Sitting here, the same spot I sat long ago. Facing an empty court remising the time I sat here watching him training. The library, the canteen, the benches we once mug together for exams.
I had never felt so pain in a long while. I felt my heart break. I felt breathless. I really didn't see it coming.
He moved on and the tears just couldn't stop. The pain in my chest feel like Im having a heart attack. I felt lost, I didn't know what to do.
Yes we broke up long ago and I had never once stop trying. I know all along I've been living in denial. I thought the love would build back. That he is the last one for me and will be back when the time is right. But today I had to face it, my 4 year relationship, is Over. He's no longer the person I once knew, he change. We became strangers.
I want him to be happy and for that to happen, I have to set him free. And this is what he wanted from me.
I've tried to move on, I tried to make myself busy. I sign up courses, I seek for professional help just wanting to heal, to find back the confidence, the girl that he first knew. I had never fail to dropped him reminders from time to time telling him I miss him and care for him and will always be there when he needed me during his hard time.
He was like my everything, my best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my family.
I just ensure I portray to people that I'm "ok" and "happy". Not mention anything about him to my friends or family. I just keep it to myself. I know my messages and calls are irritating to him. I had sleepless night, nightmare and fear.
I wish I know the "What" or "How".
I need to pick up myself, love myself. No more being selfish.